Mama, I'm Peeing in the Woods!

We walk in parks a lot, Malcolm, Lucy and I. As with any outing involving children who are still skating the line between rational and subrational, it occasionally means an emergency bathroom break in the bushes (even though she "didn't EVER have to go, Mama!" or an impromptu diaper change on a log. Sometimes it goes smoothly. Sometimes it does not.

We were walking the path by the Trader Joe's at the Burnt Mills shopping center. This path is part of the other path we often take (and site of the infamous SYSC incident of yore). It is a very, very short jaunt down a rocky hill to a waterfall. Perfect for two grumpy kids who need some outside time throwing rocks at something other than each other. I underestimated both their willingness to walk down a hill and Lucy's ability to gauge the contents of her bladder.

At the top of this hill, there is a short, raised wooden boardwalk that serves no discernible purpose. Malcolm discovered it. It is to run back and forth across while stomping loudly and yelling "HULK RUN!" with an adorable toddler accent. Good stuff for 2 year old boys, no doubt, but Lucy was not interested. After 10 minutes (which is apparently an unreasonably short amount of time for unbridled board-stomping), I gathered Boy Hulk and carried him, screaming and frothing at the mouth, down the short but rocky hill. I was sure he'd come around to my point of view when he saw there were ROCKS and he was allowed to THROW THEM.

At the bottom of the hill, there is a nice little sandy beach area, a deep-ish pool and a lovely trickling waterfall. Malcolm stomped into the water and promptly regretted it. He quickly settled into happily tossing rock after rock into the water. Lucy sat demurely by the edge and declared she was a mermaid.

Lucy: I'm a mermaid, Mama. My name is...All..ee..an...driana...lana. Malcolm is my brother. We are going to get married.

Me: ...oh...how Game of Thrones-y of you.

Lucy: umm...okay. What was that name I said again? OH NO, MAMA! I have to PEE!

Okay, no biggie. We've done this before. She's pooped in the woods, had diapers changed in the woods, peed in the woods, nursed in the woods, eaten crickets in the woods. We've done it all. No big deal. But...she's wearing overalls. Okay, not the end of the world. But it is October and pretty chilly and Lucy tends to pee on her underwear when she's voiding like a gatherer, so this may mean full-on butt to ankles nudity. And Lucy is one of those kids who loves being naked, so just give her a reason and she'll strip down to her birthday suit in a nanosecond. We have not done this in the woods.

Me: Okay, no big deal, Lucy come away from the water and I'll help you.

I took off her coat, I helped her out of her overalls. She took off her undies ("In case so I don't pee on them, Mama. It's cold out and I don't want wet undies."). At this point a mom and her tweenage daughter walked by. The daughter averted her eyes embarrassed, the mom gave me an "I've been there look" and they walked on without comment.

Lucy squatted down, and at the last second she decided she really needed to take this opportunity to witness the pee leaving her body. She hung her head down to watch, and all her lovely hair fell down like a curtain, practically touching the ground. It was directly in the line of fire when a stream of urine came powering out of her like a geyser. She shouted in alarm as it soaked her hair. I shouted in alarm as I felt the surprisingly forceful stream of fluid soak my foot and then jump over to my leg as Lucy struggled to maintain her balance after the initial attack. This pee was EPIC. It went on for a good 20 seconds at fire-hose-velocity. It soaked my shoe and my entire leg from my knee to my ankle. Lucy's hair was dripping with pee.

Lucy (as the pee is streaming forth at relativistic speeds): WOW! My vagina is really pushing out a lot of pee!

Me: Your vagina doesn't actually have anything to do with your pee, sweetie. You pee comes out of your bladder through your urethra.

Lucy: My vagina is TELLING my pee to go out so fast.

Me: Well, that's one smart vagina, then.

Lucy: Nah. It's pretty lazy.

Me: **snarf**

Lucy: It just lays around all day.

Oh. My. God. I love this kid.

 

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A Walk in The Park

"A walk in the park" implies something is easy, right? Heh.
So I took my kids on a walk in the park. We live near Northwest Branch, which is acres and acres of undeveloped parkland on the northwest branch (duh) of the Anacostia River. There are trails leading down to the creek, a five minute walk from our house. We take this trail at least once a week. It's a steep trail towards the end, but they literally walk it ALL THE TIME. So I had no reason to believe this day would be different.

We start off running happily to the woods. We walk down the trail with gleeful abandon, enjoying the beautiful fall weather. We throw rocks.

We eat snacks.

Some of us eat dirt, but we are all happy, so whatever.

Lucy dunks her feet in the water. I say "Oh, Lucy the water is cold - take your feet out!" She says, with an air of genuine confusion "Ummm...these are my shoes..." Okay yes. But there ARE feet in them, yes? But I don't push it. If she wants cold wet feet walking home, it's a great learning experience. I'm all about natural consequences.

Then we all want water. No problem! Mama is prepared! I brought my water bottle, Malcolm's water bottle and a yellow sippy cup because I couldn't find Lucy's water bottle.

That stupid stupid yellow sippy cup.

Malcolm doesn't want his water bottle. He wants the stupid yellow sippy cup. Lucy, being four and exceptionally good at it, will not share. Fine. It is her stupid yellow sippy cup today, even though she could easily have used the water bottle instead of the stupid yellow sippy cup. But a girl has to stand on principle when it comes to these things or next thing you know your little brother wants to use your toys and we can't have THAT happen, now can we? Generally she doesn't use them at all, and this is usually Malcolm's stupid yellow sippy cup...so you see the problem.

Then, Lucy suddenly declares she's done with the stupid yellow sippy cup.  So I offer it to Malcolm.  She snatches it away.

Lucy: No!  He can't have it!

Me: Why?  I can refill it with the water from my bottle.

Lucy: I don't want your water, Mama.  I want MINE.  AND I WANT IT NOT IN MALCOLM.

Sooo...I distract! Rocks! Throw rocks! Yay! Throwing things is fun! This works for a bit, but Lucy is too smart for phyllising* anymore and Malcolm is amazingly singleminded for a two year old. He decides he's fed up, and takes off.

I barely have time to gather our snack and strong-arm Lucy into following me before he's out of sight. Next to a 20 foot drop off into rocky, running water. They start running down the path. Crisis averted...?

Fat chance.  Mal wants up the hill, Lucy wants the trail. And a piggyback. And then Mal suddenly wants water again. From the stupid yellow sippy cup. And now Malcolm won't walk anymore because HE WANTS SOME DAMN WATER FROM A DAMN STUPID YELLOW SIPPY CUP, ALREADY. 

Now I try reasoning with Lucy.

Me: Lucy, I can't leave Malcolm behind, and he won't walk because he's upset about the damn stupid yellow sippy cup**. I have to carry him. I can't carry both of you.

Lucy: YOU HAVE TO! I want a piggyback! I'm too tired to walk anymore! Put Malcolm down NOW!

Me: I have to carry Malcolm. If you want me to give you a piggyback, you have to share the stupid yellow sippy cup with Mal.

Lucy: NNNNOOOOOOoooooooooooOooOoOoOoOoOooooooo! Just carry me! You have to do it!

Circular discussion ensues. Malcolm continues wailing my my ear.

I put Malcolm down because now he's struggling to get out of my arms and tackle Lucy for the SYSC***. I power on up the hill, hoping they'll shut up for 10 seconds and follow me, which they do, but not happily. This is my view during that walk up the hill.

I periodically stop and try to reason with Lucy. She periodically cries about how scared she is to climb the hill she climbed 48 hours earlier without a second thought. Malcolm periodically throws himself down in despair of ever getting to drink water again (even though there are about 40oz of water between my bottle and his, happily waiting for his muddy little mouth to swill them down). Lucy is holding my legs and crying, stomping ahead wailing, yelling at me for a piggyback ride because she's too tired. Finally, I lose it. I grab her arm and pull her back and shout "Just LISTEN TO ME!" in a final fruitless effort to get her to understand that if she just shares the SYSC with Malcolm, he'd be happy and I could give her a piggyback. I realize this wasn't the fairest solution to the issue, (perhaps Malcolm could just drink some water out of another vessel) but Malcolm is two and not real big on rational thought. So being flexible on a REFILLABLE STUPID YELLOW SIPPY CUP THAT YOU DON'T EVEN WANT ANYMORE might be an easy way to get what you want. This doesn't go down well with Lucy. Not only am I yelling (so much for a peaceful walk in the woods), but I caused her to trip and fall over when I grabbed her arm. I'm the best mom ever.

So what's a mom to do? It's lunch time. Everyone clearly needs a nap. We are about a mile from home, with at least 1/4 of it uphill, through the woods. No one but me appears able or willing to propel themselves forward under their own power. So I pick up Malcolm and run him up the hill 20 or 30 yards. I put him down, run back and get Lucy and do the same thing. Malcolm. Lucy. Malcolm. Lucy. 30 lbs. 45 lbs. 30 lbs. 45 lbs. Uphill. Downhill.

That stupid stupid stupid yellow sippy cup.****

When Malcolm sees the jogger I had left at the top of the hill, he runs excitedly up to it. I pick Lucy up one last leaden time and dump her in the stroller. Malcolm, of course, can't be bothered with riding and wants to run home. Or halfway home. When he stops, sits down, and takes his shoes and socks off motivated by some weird toddler inner need to periodically remove footwear at inappropriate times. Let me remind you that it is barely 60 degrees out, and the sidewalk is covered with crushed acorns from the neighborhood's overzealous, littering bastard squirrel population.


Now my jogger is actually a converted bike trailer. So there is a longish metal support that sticks out from the stroller and curves forward to hold the front wheels (or attach to the bike). Malcolm wants to ride on the support, not in the stroller. This is a bad idea on many levels, especially barefoot. But he won't be dissuaded. I try a few things but quickly discover that I literally cannot go anywhere. I can't push the stroller and carry Malcolm in my arms because that's like carrying a crocodile as it is trying to roll you. I can't drag the stroller behind me and tilt the front wheel off the ground (to discourage Mal from copping a squat over the support rail) because he grabs the rail and throws himself down on it. I can't put him in the stroller because Lucy won't move over and make room for him, and besides the SYSC that started this whole sorry state of affairs is still firmly clamped in her unyielding little fist.

So I stopped, parked the stroller on the grass and laid down on the sidewalk.

Me: I give up.

Malcolm: MAMA! (He runs over and dives on top of me and gives me a hug).

Lucy: Why'd you give up, Mama?

Me: I'm just...a terrible mom..

Lucy: No. No, no, no! You're a great mom!

Sigh. Tears.

Being a mom is a walk in the park.

__________________________________________________________________
*Phyllising: the act of distracting or drawing a small child's attention away from or towards a particular activity or train of thought, as masterfully practiced by by my mother, Phyllis. It can also be used on adults, though it must be much more subtle than "Stop doing that, let's throw rocks!"
**I didn't actually say this to Lucy.
***I'm tired of typing it out. But it deserves its full honorific.
****I'm blaming the stupid yellow sippy cup here, but I think perhaps my parenting skills can be called into question.

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Necklaces

Lucy started at Crossway Community Montessori Public Charter School on August 26. There have 18 school days so far. Every single day, she has brought home one (or more) of these beaded necklaces. She made one for me, one for Malcolm, one for Daddy, one for Gramma, one for Granddaddy, one for Nana, one for Papa, one for Monica, one more of each of us, and several for herself. How many days in the school year are there...? I'm not sure I know what to do with 180 beaded necklaces?.

 

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A Day Out with Malcolm

Kevin took Lucy to see Despicable Me 2 today. Malcolm and I had already had an altercation this morning that resulted in me having a fat lip. He was whiny and clingy and I had no desire to spend three hours at home with him. So we tagged along with the bigs kids to downtown Silver Spring. I decided not to try to sit through the movie with him, so here is the adventure that followed.

Contemplating the fountain.

Running away from the fountain.

Riding the elevator up...

Taking the stairs down. Repeat 43 times.

Testing the waters

 

Spitting milk all over the glass.

Spitting milk all over Mama's phone, trying to steal Mama's phone.

Running away from me.

Seriously contemplating grand theft auto.

Not terribly sure of the Metro.

7-11 picnic at Takoma Station.

Bus-watching at Takoma Station.

Practicing civil disobedience. Protesting the unfair "Hold My Hand or Be Carried" laws.

Meeting up with Daddy and Lucy.

NAP TIME FOR ALL!

 

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Yoga with Lucy

To complement my running workout, I am trying to do more yoga at home. Getting to a class these days more than impossible, so I'm doing 30 minutes of yoga 3-4 times a week (yoga series courtesy of the awesome Lara Alexiou). However, more often than not my yoga time is shared with Lucy. Lucy enjoys yoga to a certain extent. But her real passion is to make up her own poses and sit on me while I do mine. Here is my 30 minute yoga routine, as practiced this morning with Lucy.

Pranayama Deep Breathing (one set of 10 breaths)

Lucy: Mama, I don't want you to take deep breaths. That sounds too funny. Your breath is stinky. Your breath is stinky! YOUR BREATH IS TOO STINKY TO BREATHE LIKE THAT!

Sun Salutations (10-15 minutes)

Lucy: I'll be under you!

Me: Watch out, I'm going to jump back.

Lucy: I'm a puppy and you're the mama puppy

Me: I need to lay down now. Lucy, Chadaranga is really hard. Please get off my back.

Lucy: can I sit on you while you're a dog? Don't forget to bark! I can do the snake "SSSSSSSSSS". Are you done now?

Eagle Pose (2 sets)

Me: Do you want to do this pose with me?

Lucy: Oh, sure! I show her how to get into it. I DID IT! I DID IT!

Standing Bow (2 set)

Lucy: How many times long do you do that one?

Me: 1 minute on each side. I really have to concentrate. Do you want to try it with me?

Lucy: Sure! She tries, falls out after 2 seconds. I can't do that one. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Are you done? Why do you have to concentricate so much? Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.

Separate Leg Stretching (2 sets)

Lucy: what's this one called?

Me: Dandayamana Bibhaktapada Paschimottanasana.

Lucy: Um...what's this one again?

I explain I'm stretching to try to put my forehead on the floor.

Lucy: You're moving! You're almost there! I am really not almost there.

Fixed Firm (2 sets)

Lucy: Want to play tug-o-war? Here! Pull!

Me: Pulling the ribbon as I back down into Supta Vajrasana. You win.

Lucy: Now YOU win. Mama. Play again. PLAY AGAIN! Wait. I can do this one. See? How many times long do you do this?

Me: Just for a minute or so, until it is too uncomfortable to hold anymore.

Lucy: I can't hold it anymore. I'm uncomfortable.

Pigeon Pose (2 sets on each side)

Lucy: ...can I sit on you now?

 

Spine Twist

Me: Do you want to do a spine twist with me?

Lucy: I can't twist my spine so much. Here, I'll do a twisty leg pose. It's not a fish pose. It's called "tellago".

Khapalbhati Breathing

Lucy: that's funny. Do it again.

 

 

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Yoga with Lucy

To complement my running workout, I am trying to do more yoga at home. Getting to a class these days more than impossible, so I'm doing 30 minutes of yoga 3-4 times a week (yoga series courtesy of the awesome Lara Alexiou). However, more often than not my yoga time is shared with Lucy. Lucy enjoys yoga to a certain extent. But her real passion is to make up her own poses and sit on me while I do mine. Here is my 30 minute yoga routine, as practiced this morning with Lucy.

Pranayama Deep Breathing (one set of 10 breaths)

Lucy: Mama, I don't want you to take deep breaths. That sounds too funny. Your breath is stinky. Your breath is stinky! YOUR BREATH IS TOO STINKY TO BREATHE LIKE THAT!

Sun Salutations (10-15 minutes)

Lucy: I'll be under you!

Me: Watch out, I'm going to jump back.

Lucy: I'm a puppy and you're the mama puppy

Me: I need to lay down now. Lucy, Chadaranga is really hard. Please get off my back.

Lucy: can I sit on you while you're a dog? Don't forget to bark! I can do the snake "SSSSSSSSSS". Are you done now?

Eagle Pose (2 sets)

Me: Do you want to do this pose with me?

Lucy: Oh, sure! I show her how to get into it. I DID IT! I DID IT!

Standing Bow (2 set)

Lucy: How many times long do you do that one?

Me: 1 minute on each side. I really have to concentrate. Do you want to try it with me?

Lucy: Sure! She tries, falls out after 2 seconds. I can't do that one. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Are you done? Why do you have to concentricate so much? Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.

Separate Leg Stretching (2 sets)

Lucy: what's this one called?

Me: Dandayamana Bibhaktapada Paschimottanasana.

Lucy: Um...what's this one again?

I explain I'm stretching to try to put my forehead on the floor.

Lucy: You're moving! You're almost there! I am really not almost there.

Fixed Firm (2 sets)

Lucy: Want to play tug-o-war? Here! Pull!

Me: Pulling the ribbon as I back down into Supta Vajrasana. You win.

Lucy: Now YOU win. Mama. Play again. PLAY AGAIN! Wait. I can do this one. See? How many times long do you do this?

Me: Just for a minute or so, until it is too uncomfortable to hold anymore.

Lucy: I can't hold it anymore. I'm uncomfortable.

Pigeon Pose (2 sets on each side)

Lucy: ...can I sit on you now?

 

Spine Twist

Me: Do you want to do a spine twist with me?

Lucy: I can't twist my spine so much. Here, I'll do a twisty leg pose. It's not a fish pose. It's called "tellago",

Khapalbhati Breathing

Lucy: that's funny. Do it again.

 

 

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Brookside Gardens!

We took advantage of the lovely spring weather today and headed out to enjoy the spring flowers at Brookside Gardens. As per usual, Malcolm wanted to go everywhere he wasn't supposed to (into the mud, into the pond, on top of the geese). As per usual, Lucy panicked upon seeing the geese ("THEY WANT TO TAKE MY BACKPACK!"), made friends with everyone we saw ("Hi, my name is Lucy. Do you like that I have Dora and Boots on my backpack?"), and very nicely shared snack with Malcolm. Well, she willingly shared one goldfish cracker with Malcolm, but it is the thought that counts, right?

 

 

 

 

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