Having aToddler is Like Having a Drunk Roommate

"Having a toddler is like having a drunk roommate."  My brother told me this recently as he watched my new walker lurch from one part of his house to another.  The more I watch her, the more I realize this is true:

Lucy lurches to the chair "Dude, this chair looks GREAT!"  She falls over "Whoa!  What happened?"  She pees in her pants.  She belches loudly.  She loudly insist on eating.  She spits up after eating.  She falls asleep randomly.  She gets pissed off if someone tries to stop her from doing something clearly irrational.  Occasionally, she falls over in such as way that it looks like someone pulled the (non-existent) rug out from under her feet (I LOVE that - it is so funny!).  She does inappropriate things like put her hands down her pants and says "BUTTS!"

Yes, having a toddler is very much like having a drunken frat boy living in your house.  Except she smells better...most of the time, anyway.  Now I am learning that having an early talker is like having a drunken, foul-mouthed sailor in my house.  Every other word that comes out of her mouth is a swear word.

Me:  Lucy, what is this? (pointing at her shirt)
Lucy:  Shit.

Me:  (as we are nursing) Lucy, is it time to switch sides?
Lucy: Shit side.

Me:  That's a clock, Lucy.
Lucy: Cock.

Me:  Lucy, ask nicely.
Lucy:  Ass.

Me:  Lucy, this is a picture.
Lucy:  Bitch. Sure.

Lucy: Whazzat? (this is her go-to question.  She will repeat it ad nauseum regardless of any answer she may or may not receive)
Me:  That's a button.
Lucy:  Butts.

Lucy: Whazzat? (violently smacking her crotch during diaper changes)
Me: That's your bottom.
Lucy:  Butts!

Lucy: Whazzat? (Grabbing her heel)
Me:  That's your heel.
Lucy:  Hell.

Lucy:  Whazzat?
Me:  That's your tooth brush.
Lucy: Titty. (this sounds more like "tee-tee")

Me: Do you want your teddy?
Lucy: Titty.

Lucy: Wadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupizzzat?
Me:  That's a book.
Lucy:  (long pause) Wadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupizzzat?
Me:  That's a book.
Lucy:  (long pause) Wadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupizzzat?
Me:  That's a picture of a fox.
Lucy:  Fucks.

And so on.  Sometimes she does cute things with her words (who am I kidding, it's ALL cute) like split a one syllable word into 2 parts.  Take "Book" for instance (or anything ending with a K).  She'll say "Boot", then wait a second as she gets her mouth in the right position and then say "kkkkkkkk".  But generally, everything she says sounds vaguely inappropriate to be coming out of the mouth of a 16-month-old.

One day a few months ago, in the midst of the airline scare with all the printer-cartridge-bombs on planes from the Middle East, I heard Lucy say "Imam", "Jihad" and "Yemen" in the space of 2 hours.  I seriously considered reporting her to the FBI.  I can see the interrogation now:

FBI Agent: So.  Lucy Corbett.
Lucy: Butts.
FBI Agent:  Ms. Corbett, your mother says you have been spreading jihadist sentiments.
Lucy:  Shits.
FBI Agent:  She says you mentioned a Yemeni Jihad  in the days leading up to the attempted bombings.
Lucy: Boob.
FBI Agent:  I am not sure you understand the seriousness of these accusations.
Lucy:  (long pause) Wadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupwadupizzzat?
FBI Agent:  I don't think you are taking this seriously, Ms. Corbett.
Lucy: Butts!
FBI Agent:  We have ways to make you talk.
Lucy:  Tit. Kkkkkk.
FBI Agent:  That's it, take this kid to holding!
Lucy:  Old.
FBI Agent:  Now you're calling me OLD?  You think you're some crafty little fox, don't you?
Lucy:   Fucks.  You.

Off to Guantanamo with you, babykins!